relationships

What is Assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to express your feelings, opinions, beliefs, and needs directly, openly and honestly, while not violating the personal rights of others. Assertiveness does not in any way mean being aggressive. Aggressive behavior is self-enhancing at the expense of others. It does not take other individual's rights into consideration.

What Will Assertiveness do for You?

• Develop your communication skills
• Allow you to feel seIf-confident
• Increase your self-esteem
• Help you to gain the respect of others
• Improve your decision-making ability

What Assertiveness is Not
Many students seem to confuse assertive behavior with aggression. Aggression is self-enhancing behavior at the expense of others. Others' feelings are ignored, violated and not taken into consideration when interacting with them. Furthermore, as a result of aggressive behavior they feel hurt, humiliated, angry, and perhaps vengeful.

How to Develop Assertiveness Skills

• Be direct, honest, and open about your feelings, opinions and needs. State reasonable requests directly and firmly. State your goals or intentions in a direct and honest manner. State your point of view without being hesitant or apologetic. Being responsible for your own behavior will let you feel good about yourself.
• Do not let others impose their behaviors, values and ideas on you. Instead, let them know what you think, feel and want.
• Be honest when giving and receiving compliments. Never put down a compliment and don't feel you must return one.
• Learn to say no to unreasonable requests. Use the word "no" and offer an explanation if you choose to. Do not apologize and do not make up excuses. Paraphrase the other person's point or view. This will let them know that you hear and understand the request.
• Avoid "why" questions. ''Why'' questions allow the listener to be defensive.
• Recognize and respect the rights of others. For example, if you are upset with them, use "I" and "we" statements to express your feelings, instead of blaming and finger pointing ''you" statements.
• When communicating with others, use an appropriate tone of voice and body posture. Maintain eye contact. Tone of voice should be appropriate to the situation. Stand or sit at a comfortable distance from the other person. Gestures can be used to emphasize what is being said and the words "I" and ''we" should be used in statements to convey your feelings. For example, it is more appropriate to say, "I am very disappointed that you didn't show up as planned,'' instead of saying, ''Man, you are a jerk."
• Ask for feedback.

We have three major assumptions. 1. Disagreement and conflict are inevitable in intimate relationships. 2. Styles of expressing anger are learned and therefore can be changed. 3. Angry feelings depend on one's perception of the situation. So developing self knowledge, listening skills, and communication skills are the keys to fair fighting.

Generally we think of fights as angry confrontations between two or more people where tempers flare, voices are raised, and insults are exchanged. This way of resolving conflict, while unfortunately common, usually results in bitterness, distrust, and desire for revenge. The issues may be temporarily settled, but one or both partners feel resentful, angry or hurt. Both partners can experience a loss of intimacy.

Clean, fair fights, on the other hand, are confrontations in which disagreements and grievances are dealt with according to a specific set of guidelines. Applying these principles, along with the skills of active listening and a collaborative attitude allows differences to be negotiated.

Both partners will be more likely to feel refreshed, resolved, and relieved that important issues have teen deal with. Successful fights tend to clear up problems and increase intimacy by helping each partner understand the other better.

The following guidelines highlight some of the major fair and unfair fighting techniques couples use with each other. Remember, what you need to decide is not "Should I express my anger?", or even "How should I express my anger?", but "How can I communicate to my partner about this issue so that we can do something about it?".

Getting Ready

• Deal with small but significant issues when they happen.
• Be able to let go of anger generated by trivial issues.
• Pick a good time. Deal with big issues as soon as possible, preferably when you're both prepared to deal with them. Make and keep an appointment to fight if necessary.
• Know what you're fighting about. Be specific, limited and direct with your complaint. Bring up one thing at a time.

Unfair:

• Avoiding or ignoring an issue your partner feels is important
• Giving "the silent treatment"
• Going home to mother
• Bringing up an issue at a time embarrassing to your partner
• Gunny sacking - saving up little hurts and hostilities, then dumping them on your partner all at once

Initiating

• Report your anger appropriately using "I" statements ("I'm furious about...").
• Be specific and concise.
• Say what you really mean.
• Stay in the present; use current examples.
• Deal with you partner's behavior, not personality.

Unfair:

• Generalizing - "You never..." or "I'm always..."
• Labeling, name caIling, character assassination - ("You bastard")
• Mind reading - telling partner what they're thinking and feeling
• Dwelling on past grievances
• Blaming your partner for your problem
• Hitting below the belt, purposely calling attention to known weaknesses or areas of sensitivity
• Exaggerating - overreacting to a situation or making idle threats or ultimatums

Responding

• Count to 10, or more if you're really attacked. Try not to take your partner's anger personally, at least at first.
• Let your first response to a grievance be an attempt to understand your partner's perceptions, values and feelings -"Maybe she's had a rough day."
• Be an active listener - express back to your partner what you understand their thoughts and feelings to be
• Be sensitive. Avoid fighting back when your partner is just letting off steam.
• Check out feelings and thoughts you think your partner has if you think you know, but they aren't saying.
• If you're wrong, admit it!

Unfair:

• Cross-complaining: responding to your partner's initial complaint with one of your own
• Ignoring partner
• Belittling partner or issues
• Assuming partner should know what you're thinking or feeling when you haven't said anything
• Sulking

Negotiating - Win/Win

• After you understand how your partner is feeling, try to find out what it is your partner is really interested in obtaining by making the complaint or grievance or by not responding to you.
• Express your interest in coming to a solution which is satisfactory to you both, a position in which you can both "win".
• Discuss each other's perceptions. How is it that your partner sees things so differently from you?
• Try to find a number of ways you can both get something of what you want. Consider as many options as possible from all sides of the issue.
• Keep to the subject. Try to resolve one issue before moving to another.

Unfair:

• Presenting non-negotiable demands
• Thinking your partner must lose if you are to win (and vice-versa)
• Ignoring your partner's strong expression of emotions

Ending

• Having physical safety valves for excess emotion: jogging, biking, listening to music, etc.
• Call a foul when you feel a guideline has been broken.
• Be ready to forgive
• If the fight isn't resolved right now, make an appointment to finish it later. Allow for interim solutions. If the fight is resolved, try to finish with an expression of positive feelings that you've worked together successfully.

Unfair:

• Pretending to go along, or to agree when you really don't
• Withholding affections
• Breaking previous agreements
• Continuing with repetitious, stale arguments with no progress being made toward resolution