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A Strand of the Celtic Fringe title

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the divine short comedy

© ERIC FERGUSON
5348 48th Av. S.
Minneapolis, MN 55417
phone: (612)726-6364
eric@celticfringe.net
http://www.celticfringe.net



CHARACTERS
Wisemen:
Belshazzar, in his 20's
Zerubabbel, ditto
Arioch, older


Shepherds:
Agabus
Gamaliel
Barnabas


Others
Mary
Joseph
Innkeeper
Angel


SCENE 1

(Belshazzar and Zerubabbel enter riding camels, Belshazzar in front. Camel heads on a stick will suffice as camels. As the lights come up a loud sneeze is heard.)

BELSHAZZAR

Oh, yuck! Zerubabbel, your camel just sneezed on me again. I swear, you must have been training him to do that.

ZERUBABBEL

You know he's never had much tolerance for sand.

BELSHAZZAR

We're traveling across deserts you fool. Why didn't you bring a different camel?

ZERUBABBEL

I'm comfortable with this one.

BELSHAZZAR

Crimminy.

ZERUBABBEL

I'll take this camel over yours anytime.

BELSHAZZAR

Of course you would! Otherwise it would be you getting sneezed on.

ZERUBABBEL

I don't like strange animals.

BELSHAZZAR

That's what your mother said, but she had you anyway.

ZERUBABBEL

Who told you that one, your mother? Did she get bored trying to figure out who your father was?

BELSHAZZAR

Would some friendly god please bring this journey to a swift end? I can't stand this imbecile anymore!

ZERUBABBEL

I second his appeal. It seems I can longer tell the man from the camel's backside!

(Arioch enters. He is much older than the other two and much more level-headed.)

ARIOCH

Zerubabbel, Belshazzar, what are you two bickering about now? Do you know you can be heard all the way up at the front?

BELSHAZZAR

We should have given this obloquious rodent the wrong route to Judea. He'd still be wandering around Persia or something.

ZERUBABBEL

Well look who just learned a new word. I wish you were as good at making the observations. You can barely tell a star from a planet.

ARIOCH

Will you argue with each other the whole way to Bethlehem?

BELSHAZZAR

Please inform Zerubabbel of just who made the correct prediction of the Star's appearance.

ZERUBABBEL

And who analyzed the Jewish prophesies to discern the time and place of their Messiah's birth? Who told you just what to look for in the sky? That was me as I recall.

ARIOCH

If you must cavil, I'll tell you who did what. You found those prophesies after I told you where to look. Speaking of looking, Belshazzar, just who was whose assistant during your observations? Well?

BELSHAZZAR

I was yours.

ARIOCH

Right. Now, I have better things to do than sit around fighting over who did what, but you two have worn down even my patience with your bickering. I must have been drunk when I called you two my brightest students.

ZERUBABBEL

But you don't drink.

ARIOCH

Which shows you what a trick it was. You know, I'm almost at a loss for words. Have you two entirely forgotten why we're on this journey? How often does the Jewish God have a son? How often do you get to see your observations and deductions brought to life? We're going to witness perhaps the biggest event in history, and you bitter men pick nits. You'll miss God but you'll be free of lice. Don't you feel just a little ashamed of yourselves? (They sheepishly agree.) All right then, let's be on our way, with a little more of the decorum that befits us.

(They move on. As the exit, there is another loud sneeze.)

BELSHAZZAR

Zerubabbel!

(Exeunt Wisemen, blackout.)

SCENE 2

(In blackout, Joseph is knocking on the door of an inn and yelling "Hello, is anyone there, etc." Lights come up. Innkeeper opens the door. He leaves just enough of a pause between questions for Joseph to start to answer, but cuts him off before Joseph can get a word in.)

INNKEEPER

Hey, are you trying to wake the whole house? Do you know how late it is? You know, I was finally just falling asleep. What do you want anyway?

JOSEPH

Sir, I'm sorry to wake you. I just need a room.

INNKEEPER

So does everyone else in the Eastern Mediterranean, and they're all banging on my door in the night. Don't you know about this stupid census?

JOSEPH

Of course I do, that's why I'm here.

INNKEEPER

Yes, right, well, you should've gotten here earlier, I'm full up. Now good night. (He closes the door and is heard to mutter "lousy tourists".)

JOSEPH

(Knocks) Look, you must have something. Come on.

INNKEEPER

(Opening the door) Didn't you hear me? No, I don't have anything, except a great case of grogginess.

JOSEPH

I'm not picky. Please, my wife...

INNKEEPER

Has married a lout.

JOSEPH

Is pregnant. And every inn in Bethlehem is full.

INNKEEPER

And I'm tired after dealing with an inn crammed full of lodgers wanting this and wanting that and it's "can't I have a room to myself" and "I don't have as much money as I thought I had" and "The stew is cold"...

JOSEPH

Please mister, I don't have anywhere else to go.

INNKEEPER

Do you know how many hard luck stories I've been hearing? I can't help you!

MARY

Excuse me, good innkeeper, I know you've grown weary of people asking you for help, but may I ask you one question?

INNKEEPER

Just one?

MARY

Just one.

INNKEEPER

All right, what?

MARY

(As she says the line, she gets right into his face and finishes the line with a sense of menace in her voice.) Have you ever experienced the wrath of a seriously pregnant woman?!

(As she finishes a baby's cry is heard from within. The Innkeeper looks at her, looks back inside, and after a moment's thought...)

INNKEEPER

I'm sure I can figure out something. (They enter the inn. Blackout.)

SCENE 3

(Agabus, Barnabas, and Gamaliel are leaning against a tree in a pasture, supposedly watching over their flock. We hear sheep baaing offstage and Barnabas' snoring. Gamaliel is also sleeping. Agabus nudges Barnabas.)

AGABUS

Hey! Quit your snoring, you're keeping me awake.

BARNABAS

(groggy) What? Sure, fine. (He goes back to snoring.)

AGABUS

Hey, come on. Roll over or something.

BARNABAS

What do you want?

AGABUS

I want you to quit snoring like you're trying to shake the tree clear down to the roots.

BARNABAS

I wasn't snoring.

AGABUS

I suppose I'm hearing things.

BARNABAS

I don't snore.

AGABUS

You most certainly do and it's keeping me awake.

BARNABAS

Aren't you supposed to be awake right now? It's your turn to keep watch.

AGABUS

It's Gamaliel's turn.

BARNABAS

Then why are you awake?

AGABUS

Because you snore like a cow that's been tipped over!

BARNABAS

How does a tipped-over cow snore?

AGABUS

Ah, um, ...loud.

BARNABAS

I don't snore.

AGABUS

Everybody knows you snore! Everybody tells you you snore! I wish you could hear yourself!

BARNABAS

I try. I keep sleeping through it.

GAMALIEL

Will you two quit your nattering! You've woken me up every night this week.

AGABUS

You're supposed to be keeping watch.

GAMALIEL

We should all be keeping watch if you want to get down to it, but I'll remind you we agreed to take turns.

BARNABAS

Isn't it your turn?

GAMALIEL

No, I kept my watch already, remember? It's Agabus' turn.

BARNABAS

Last time you complain about my snoring.

AGABUS

Hmph.

GAMALIEL

Well, keep awake, will you.

(Gamaliel goes back to sleep. Barnabas rolls over, gives one deliberate snore, and also falls asleep. Agabus quickly follows. The Angel enters.)

ANGEL

Harken shepherds, for I bring you good tidings of great joy. (He notices they're asleep and stops. He tries again.) Awaken shepherds, and harken to the message I bring you. Hey, wake up!

(Angel goes over to the shepherds and jostles them. Agabus just rolls over. Barnabas brushes the Angel away and mutters something about bugs. Gamaliel gives the angel a good swat which causes the Angel to yelp in pain. Angel calls up a good crash of thunder which blows them awake.)

ANGEL

Hearken shepherds, I bring you good tidings of great joy. This night unto...

BARNABAS

(with child-like awe) Are you really an angel?

ANGEL

What?

AGABUS

Of course that's an angel. What else could he be?

BARNABAS

And just how many angels have you seen?

GAMALIEL

Will you two shut up and listen.

ANGEL

Thank you. Now,...

GAMALIEL

I mean, just how many people do you know running around...

AGABUS

Flying.

GAMALIEL

...flying around with clothes like that, and wings, and calling up claps of thunder.

BARNABAS

Nobody I guess.

GAMALIEL

Exactly. (to Angel) Please go on.

ANGEL

Unto you this day in the city of David...

AGABUS

Actually, this is night.

ANGEL

I know that.

AGABUS

Ok. I just thought maybe you hadn't been to Earth before and didn't know...

ANGEL

Don't start with me!

AGABUS

Sorry.

GAMALIEL

Say, aren't you supposed to have a whole chorus of angels with you for big announcements?

ANGEL

You clowns are lucky if you get one dead guy with an out of tune harp!

BARNABAS

What, one angel isn't impressive enough to you?

ANGEL

Stop your bickering and listen! (He calls up another clap of thunder.) Unto you this night in the city of David, (He sees they are confused) Bethlehem, (now they catch on) oh, forget it. Look, the savior has just been born, you'll find him laying in a manger in the stable of a local inn. I know, that doesn't sound all poetic. I'll let the gospel writers clean it up.

BARNABAS

What's a gospel?

ANGEL

Never mind, just go! I'm out of here.

(Angel exits. Shepherds start to leave.)

GAMALIEL

What's a gospel. Good grief.

BARNABAS

Well, I didn't know.

GAMALIEL

All right, all right. Just don't embarrass me in front of the Messiah. (Exeunt, blackout.)

SCENE 4

(Outside the stable. In dim light, the shepherds and wisemen bump into each other.)

BELSHAZZAR

Hey, watch it, will you.

ZERUBABBEL

Is that sheep I smell? Filthy animals.

GAMALIEL

You could use a bath yourself mister, and so could your camel.

ARIOCH

We don't want trouble. Please just make way.

AGABUS

Just who do you think you are anyway, ordering us around!

ARIOCH

We are wisemen from the east.

BARNABAS

I thought you had a funny accent. Stupid foreigners.

ZERUBABBEL

You impudent peasant!

ARIOCH

We are here to see the newborn savior, whose birth we have discerned from studying your ancient prophesies and the stars.

BARNABAS

Shows who's more important. We heard directly from an angel. So don't try ordering us around in our own country.

BELSHAZZAR

You should be taught some respect for your betters.

BARNABAS

What bettors? We don't even gamble.

(The argument gets loud. Joseph comes out from the stable.)

JOSEPH

Hey, hey, excuse me, gentlemen, could you take this argument somewhere else?! My wife just gave birth and she's trying to rest.

ARIOCH

Wait a minute. Your wife just gave birth?

JOSEPH

Yes.

ARIOCH

To a son?

JOSEPH

(not understanding Arioch's purpose) Yes.

ARIOCH

(with growing realization) In this stable in the city of David?!

JOSEPH

Yes.

BARNABAS

Sorry to disturb you. We'll leave.

(All start to leave. Arioch is the first to stop.)

ARIOCH

Wait, wait, this is the place we were looking for!

(Everyone stops, mutters something like "Oh yeah", and then the mob pushes into the stable. Lights up on the interior of the stable. As they come through the door, they jostle each other, saying things like "get out of my way". Mary is recovering. Joseph tries to stay ahead of the surging mass.)

BELSHAZZAR

Madam, I have a gift for your child!

ZERUBABBEL and ARIOCH

So do I!

AGABUS

(to Joseph) Hey mister, will you let a bunch of foreigners see our messiah before we do? (Gamaliel and Barnabas second this.)

JOSEPH

Would you all just get out of here!

MARY

Gentlemen, gentlemen, please, how can you argue over such petty nonsense at a time like this? Don't you think this occasion calls for a little more solemnity? When you think about where you are, you'll feel very ashamed of yourselves. Now say your sorry or shake hands or something.

ARIOCH

She's right. We should feel ashamed of ourselves for behaving this way. (to Gamaliel) Shepherd, my name is Arioch and I'm willing to apologize if you will. We had no right to behave so arrogantly.

GAMALIEL

I'm Gamaliel, and we should be more polite to strangers to our town. There's no excuse for such pettiness here, or anywhere else either. I also apologize.

(Apologies all around. Shepherds and wisemen kneel as the wisemen present their gifts. Lights fade on the tableau. Blackout. A sneeze is heard.)

ALL

Zerubabbel!

(end of play)

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