carter sketches

© ERIC FERGUSON
5348 48th Av. S.
Minneapolis, MN 55417
phone: (612)726-6364
eric@celticfringe.net
http://www.celticfringe.net

VOICE

Hello, Pizza Shack, can I help you?

HUSBAND

Yes, we'd like a large pizza please.

VOICE

OK, what do you want on it?

HUSBAND

Pepperoni.

WIFE

No.

HUSBAND

Hang on a second. (to Wife) What?

WIFE

Don't get pepperoni.

HUSBAND

We always get pepperoni.

WIFE

I know and I'm sick of it.

VOICE

Hello?

HUSBAND

Just another moment please. What do you want then?

WIFE

Black olives.

HUSBAND

I hate black olives.

WIFE

And I've grown to hate pepperoni.

HUSBAND

We're not getting black olives.

WIFE

Oh, you're deciding this yourself, are you.

VOICE

Excuse me...

HUSBAND

We're still arguing.

VOICE

I noticed. Look, we've got a special representative for cases like yours, let me put him on.

WIFE

What's going on?

VOICE

He's putting on someone else, I don't know what's...

CARTER

Hello, my name's Jimmy Carter. I understand you're having a dispute.

HUSBAND

Mr.President?

CARTER

That's right. Just tell me each side of things.

HUSBAND

(to Wife) It's Jimmy Carter. (to Carter) Well, we were ordering pizza, and we always get pepperoni, and my wife all of a sudden wants black olives. Mr.President, I hate black olives.

CARTER

I think I get the picture. Put your wife on.

HUSBAND

He wants to talk to you.

WIFE

Hello?

CARTER

Ma'am, I've been talking to your husband. Now, do I guess correctly that you've grown tired of pepperoni and want to try something different?

WIFE

Yes, that's it exactly. How did you know?

CARTER

Y'all should hear Rosilyn complain about me sometimes. Now, I think the main thing to keep in mind is that you aren't really angry with each other, right?

WIFE

No, I guess not.

CARTER

Good, because this is the sort of minor thing that always comes up between any two people, and you just have to put it into perspective and let it go. You see what I'm saying?

WIFE

Yes sir. But what do we do about supper tonight?

CARTER

I suggest to you that you buy two pizzas, one with each topping.

WIFE

We can't afford two pizzas.

CARTER

No problem. I'll make the second pizza half-price.

WIFE

Can you do that without a coupon?

CARTER

I used to be President of the United States. Yes, I think I can arrange that.

WIFE

That'll be fine then.

CARTER

Good. With tax your total comes to $15.67. Y'all know we don't take checks anymore, right?

WIFE

Yes. Thank you Mr.President.

HUSBAND

Let me talk to him again. Mr.President? If you don't mind me asking, why are you working at a pizza parlor?

CARTER

It's right next door to a habitat for humanity project. The wages stink but I don't have any extra commuting and I eat for free.

HUSBAND

I guess that makes sense. And how about North Korea?

CARTER

That's out of our delivery range, we don't go across the freeway. I got to go.

HUSBAND

OK, thank you Mr.President. (blackout)

1

You're out!

2

No I'm not!

1

Are so. I hit you!

2

You missed me!

1

I nicked you right there.

2

I was on the base anyway.

1

No you weren't.

2

Was so!

1

You were right there!

2

I was over here!

1

If it missed you, how do you know?

2

Um...I know because...you're a pukehead.

1

No, you're a pukehead.

2

No, you are!

1

You are!

(This goes on and escalates into pushing. A whistle is heard. Carter enters.)

CARTER

Come on, break it up you two, break it up.

2

Who are you?

CARTER

My name's Jimmy Carter and I'm your new playground monitor.

1

Are you a teacher?

2

He's too old to be a teacher. He must be a janitor.

CARTER

I used to be president of the United States. (They look skeptical.) It was a very long time ago

1

Like George Bush?

CARTER

Sort of. I was president back in the late '70s.

2

Wow, the late '70s. Was there people then?

CARTER

Just a few. We mostly had to pretend. Now, I want you both to stop fighting and tell me what happened.

2

I made it back to the base and he said I was out.

1

You were out.

2

Was not!

1

I hit you with the ball!

CARTER

(Cutting them off) I get the picture. You're playing kickball and you don't have an umpire to make the calls.

BOTH

Yeah, I guess so.

CARTER

Kickball has a lot in common with foreign relations. Look kids, there's no point in ruining the game arguing over who did what when you can't really tell. You just get a lot of hard feelings that make people mad again later on. How about you just forget about it and do it over. All right?

BOTH

All right, okay.

CARTER

Good. Now y'all go on back to your game.

2

Mr.President, do grownups ever have do-overs?

CARTER

Sometimes.

2

Have you ever done a do-over?

CARTER

Once, in 1980. It didn't work out too good.

1

I think I heard of you before. My dad says you screwed up the whole country. Did you?

CARTER

No, that was the ayatollah. (blackout)

USHER

You'll have to come with me sir.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

(These characters could be either gender.) Forget it.

USHER

I must insist.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

No.

USHER

You can't come in here without a ticket.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

I don't need any ticket.

USHER

You're making a scene, now will you please just go.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

No! Get away from me will you.

(Their argument starts to get physical, and up to this point it should look real to the audience. Jimmy Carter enters.)

CARTER

Excuse me, gentlemen, excuse me, my name's Jimmy Carter, and I couldn't help overhearing you. Now, I'm sure all this can be settled without fisticuffs. (They start to tussle again.) Hey, I'm a former president, now stop that!

(He pulls them apart. They are impressed with his strength and properly cowed.)

CARTER

I drive nails into two-by-fours with four hits, so don't mess with me. OK, now, tell me what's going on here.

USHER

This guy thinks he can come in here without a ticket.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

So what? The show's almost over.

USHER

Should we let everyone in free if they come late?

AUDIENCE MEMBER

It's the end of the show, what do you care?

CARTER

I think I have the thrust of what's going on here. I understand both sides, but I think we can resolve this without any violence. (to the man) Now, I don't think you should be unceremoniously hauled out of here, but they do have to charge admission, and since everyone else paid it's only right that you do too.

AUDIENCE MEMBER

Oh yeah? Well, he's going to have to haul me out of here 'cause I'm not leaving. I'm staying until the last line is said. Now what do you think of that?

CARTER

That's fine.

USHER

Fine?! How can you just let him sit there til the last line?

CARTER

Simple. This is the last line. (to audience) Thank you for coming everybody.

end of play

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